Tips for Helping a Bereaved Senior

Blog Written by: Sharon Wagner of Senior Friendly Info

Photo Credit: Pixabay.com

No matter how successful a marriage is, eventually it comes to an end. As much as loving couples might want to die in each other’s arms at the same moment in time, that almost never happens. Sadly, couples who had the longest, most loving relationships are likely to suffer the worst repercussions of grief when one of them passes. The survivor will experience sharp loneliness and possibly depression and guilt, as well as have to deal with more practical matters like a reduced income and difficulty maintaining the home.

What can you do?

The health of a bereaved senior can pivot swiftly downward, leading to serious medical problems and even death. It’s important for friends and family to check in frequently. Staying busy with work, hobbies, or other activities can make all the difference when an elderly person is dealing with the loss of a spouse or life partner.

Loss of interest in food and activity are normal symptoms of grief, but you don’t want your bereaved friend or family member to quit eating and moving around. It turns out that the time-honored tradition of bringing a casserole to a victim of loss can work well, with a little tweaking. Rather than bringing a casserole for four people, bring small, individual portions of homemade food that you know your loved one likes.

Encourage your bereaved loved one to connect with familiar activities. Many people find comfort in their faith. Encourage them to attend a church or mosque. Such participation provides a distraction and alleviates loneliness. Similarly, you should encourage hobbies like cooking, gardening, sewing, metal detecting, etc. Perhaps the time has come to look up old friends or classmates. Reconnecting with people from the past may be just the thing to help your grieving friend or family member start moving on, particularly if they haven’t been socially active during their marriage.

What if grief doesn’t fade?

The human brain has many coping mechanisms, which allow the victim to recover steadily, if slowly, from a life catastrophe. But sometimes that doesn’t happen. Nine percent of people over 60 experience what experts call “complicated grief.” Instead of getting progressively better, the bereaved may fail to recover or even get worse. This kind of grief can lead to clinical depression or suicide.

Complicated grief comes with distinct changes in personality. If your tee-totaling grandmother starts drinking heavily or if an optimist is now cynical and negative, these changes in behavior may well indicate complicated, abnormal grieving.

The best treatment for this style of grief is short-term use of antidepressants and a course of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) which teaches the individual how to respond more positively to difficult circumstances and negative thoughts. Effective CBT takes a few weeks and may focus on helping an individual master household tasks that were formerly performed by the spouse, like balancing a checkbook or doing laundry. These accomplishments displace obsessive sadness and allow the patient to heal.

Recommend downsizing

A spouse’s death may also involve financial challenges. Two Social Security checks under a roof go a lot further than one, and it’s easier for two people to manage cleaning, repairs, and yard work. It may be difficult or even impossible for the survivor to keep up the home that the couple lived in together.

For many survivors, the answer will be downsizing. Smaller homes are easier and cheaper to maintain. Utilities cost less, and yard work is less demanding. Condominiums offer the convenience of a smaller but elegant space, and usually there isn’t any yard work to do.

Some elderly people will put up a fight to stay where they are. In that case, you should locate support resources that will help them live independently.

In other cases, the survivor may be ready to move on, either to a retirement community or to a smaller house or apartment. Help your friend or loved one decide what kind of accommodation is best. Can he still walk up a flight of stairs? Does she need frequent medical care? Will he need help with cleaning and cooking? The answers to these questions should shape the decision.

One major challenge of downsizing is choosing which belongings one can live without. For families who can afford it, a senior move manager is a good option. These professionals manage all the logistics of moving an elderly person, from helping identify a suitable home to sorting through possessions to overseeing the move itself.

Losing a long-time spouse can be extremely difficult for a surviving loved one. It’s important that grieving seniors are still eating well, engaging in physical activity, and continuing familiar activities. If the grieving process is too difficult, there are treatments available. Also for those seniors living in larger, harder-to-manage homes, downsizing can be a helpful option.